Listening to the rumble and beat

I've been neither here nor there for a few weeks it seems.

For a while there, my routine seemed to be this:

Wake up. 

Make mango smoothie. 

Go to work. 

Sweat and work in the pool snack bar, all the while serving rude children freezer-burned chicken strips and soggy french fries. 

Contemplate the failure of our education system to discourage certain people from ever procreating due to lack of parenting capacity

Marvel at my drastic switch from my relative ambivalence to the notion of having a family in my future to the complete and utter conviction that I should never, ever have children.  

Eat mangoes. 

Eat rice. 

Buy mangoes. 

Go home. 

Watch "The Real Houswives of X."

Go to sleep. 

Repeat. 

As far as veganizing goes, I've been pretty strictly dedicated the past few weeks or so.  Even for the first few days that I've been in the twilight zone of vacation, I've been staunchly camped in the realm of "perfect" eating.

However, that went out the window last night as I slipped into some old nighttime-binge-behaviors (read: I hate a serious date with some bread and ice cream.) And, to tell you the truth, some of that indulgence has carried over into this morning. But while I've been munching on bread and nibbling a Klondike bar, I've been doing some serious thinking, and it's come down to this:

Yes, I want in my heart of hearts to eventually attain the goal of whole food veganism.

Yes, veganism is something which resonates deeply in my heart of hearts as true and right and good.

But,

I need to be patient.

I need to be good to myself.

I need to be gentle with myself.

I need to give myself time.

I need to let go of old thinking, old anger, old hurt, old beliefs.

I need to let go of the perfectionist life and it's all-or-nothing creed.

I need to change my goal from weight loss and recognition to health, balance, abundance, peace, and a joyful life.

I need to reinvent myself. And that won't happen overnight. And I'm okay with that.

So, I've been writing, reading, smoothie-ing, dreaming, crocheting, brainstorming; I've been spreading my roots into the places I want my life to fill, in the mold of who I want to be: artist, lover, storyteller, human, free spirit, friend, leader, giver, receiver. I've been listening to the gentle rumbles of the world around me, following the hum of life to the source of it all, to the place I'll be reborn.